I’m Gonna Live Forever – A Private Letter

Sometimes when I’m drunk and everything is black or grey because it’s night-time, I shake with memories and regret. Feelings will sputter through whatever this reality is, (if you know what I mean) through a portal in my hands that appears when I’m that kind of fucked up. I like to call it “disjointed from the now”. It’s where the past pulses in through the shadow, and among other feelings, regret waves at me, and I whine, I want to cry, I want to die, thinking on all the pussy I’ve missed out on over the last ten years.

I don’t mean to bore you, or terrify you; you may not like me, but I don’t know, because I can’t remember you. It’s been a long time since I’ve been you, well I just fucken said didn’t I? It was ten years ago. You’re finishing high school this year. Congrats. You don’t care about that, and it won’t change anything, so I can tell you, you do alright in all your exams without really trying, but you figure as much anyway. I want to talk more about learning and things, but I’ll save that until we get the important stuff out of the way first. I’m not going to tell you about your career, or if you’re famous yet. You should work harder and better, though anyone would say that.

I’ll start with the good news: your dad’s still alive, and doing alright for a man in his seventies. Obviously he’s still with mum and she’s fine too, though they both still have to work for the most part. I don’t know much else about their day to day, but your brothers hang around enough and you don’t get along with either of them really, but there’s nothing much to be done about that, I think, although mum doesn’t like it. You’re the first to move out of home, even though you’re the youngest. That’s a point of pride, but I could have left even sooner. I actually think you should mooch a little more since Ed ends up going to an expensive acting school for 3 years and that does nothing for him. I can’t shove into you, all the things I know and the changes I’ve had, in one letter, so I’ll come back to education and learning and things in a little bit.

ImageSection on Year 12 Final Piece

More importantly, you don’t get together with Natalie. By the time you get this, you’ll have missed your chance. It sucks, but the deal was ten years, not ten and a half years, or eleven years, although at that point you wouldn’t know who I’m talking about. I’m sorry, it just never happens. Don’t be too much of a bitch about it; that’s who you are I think, a bit of a bitch, and it’s not irreversible, but it’s hard to get rid of – something about your upbringing.

I remember how hard it was, and that right now you’re still overflowing with hope! Goddamn, that was good. However, the brutal fact is that you needed to do something last year – when you first noticed her being nice to you. In a little while she gets her braces off, and she really starts coming into her own. She has different boyfriends all the time, but none of them are in the school, so it’s hard to tell, and that draws out the agony. I’m telling you to move on while you still can. Don’t aim lower, but be quick to ask out girls. I learned that I fall in love too rapidly, so I had to go for girls before I really knew if I liked them. That said, your good friend Amy is in love with you by the way. She won’t tell you for a good five years, but wake up to it now and let her down easy, because it ends in tears and your own blood.

After school, you’ll never see Natalie again, that is a fact. It’s a shit fact to back up the melodramatic statement you’ve made a couple times already. And it’s fine, because there are OTHER girls. Lots of them. You’re still thinking about Natalie though. It hurts, I get it, but I’m only punching you this hard in the guts right now because I know how long it takes you to grasp uncomfortable truths. You know she won’t be your “one true love”; you just need her for the moment. You want to feel that reckless young love with her, and be excited and not afraid. You think she’ll help you grow up, or wake you up, but you’re actually already awake, and so is everyone else; just at different levels. And they may be dumb, a lot of them, but they’re also really nice, especially if you’re nice to them. You may even get another chance with Natalie if you man up quickly, and ask her out – maybe you’ll catch her when she’s single.

Everyone you ask, and many that you don’t ask, will say vague things about your future and what you need to do. As you’re too shy to give them anything to really go on, it doesn’t amount to anything, on top of which, all they’re doing is just talking to themselves. Broad answers to questions no one asked are their way of quieting their own fears about life, love, happiness, aging etc. Don’t worry about that stuff, it’s mostly boring and none of it really has enough context to slap you in the dick, or grab you by the ears and take you for that sensory ride you need to understand. You’ll ignore it and figure things out in your own time.

Finally, go to university. Do better in your exams and go where one of your friends is going, because it’s the easiest place to get laid. Whether it’s casual or a relationship, you’ll learn cool things that aren’t part of the degree because that doesn’t matter; just lie naked with a beautiful young girl listening to music that blows your fucking mind.

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